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  • Writer's pictureDanquisha Bates

Just When I Thought It Was Over

Updated: Mar 16, 2021

Have a seat. Sit down… Sit back… and get comfortable, but not too comfortable. I invite you on my journey to the moment when I thought it was over. Over for me. I was at the end of myself. It was at the end of myself, that I found God. He revealed Himself as the light in a place that was extremely dark.

Dark, Yes! I mean it was very dark. To the point when I was just living life as if I paid my dues and it was time to check out. It was time to GO, at least that is what I told myself. Oh yea, you’re right. I should not have felt that I had lived a long life at the semi-tender age of twenty-seven, or to feel I had completed my time here on earth. However, when I settled into living the fleshy life (living for the devil), I felt like I did once upon a time. Feeling like darkness was surrounding me all over. Swallowing me mentally, physically, emotionally, and most IMPORTANTLY spiritually.

When darkness took over MENTALLY it changed my mindset. How and what I thought of myself changed. What I thought about what and how others think of me changed. I felt like nothing will ever be GOOD ENOUGH for me and I will never be GOOD ENOUGH for anything. A book I am reading states, “Don’t let your mind wander off by itself because it is not old enough to be on its own.” My mind took me on these different spiraling roller coasters, where I wished I could be “this” or wishing I could have “that”, so it led to...

When darkness took over EMOTIONALLY, I felt like “I’M NOT ENOUGH!” So, I started breaking myself down piece by piece and start fixing (changing) what others do not like about me instead of transforming what I did not like about myself. My attitude sucked and got uglier by the day- sometimes minute- because I was carrying all these negative things (emotions) that I had encountered and embraced over the years. They became a very complicated and detailed part of the fiber of my existence so that led to...

When darkness took over me PHYSICALLY, it changed my whole walk and how I carried myself. My walk, my eating habits (food choices) got sloppy and uncared for. My physical walk became harder because the physical neglect impacted the way my clothes fit. My enlarging outward appearance became the image of the enlarging darkness that was on the inside of me. I was struggling and losing the battle with trying to fix my body for the insecurities created by what others said and that increased the darkness so that leads to...

OH MY! When darkness HITS you SPIRITUALLY (did you catch that I said HIT instead of TAKE OVER), you know you've been hit. Darkness is not always this slow-moving mass that gradually rolls in as we see in the movies. It hits you like a Mack truck with no brakes! This impact shakes you Mentally, Emotionally, and Physically. So, by this time I am drained from all the damage I have allowed and self-inflicted on my body, mind, and heart so that led to...

Watch out! Here comes all the doubt and negativity and there is NO self-love, NO belief, NO trust, NO GOD, just pure darkness (not a peak of light insight to be found for me). So I started to question, is God even real? If He is, why is He taking me through all this? Why does He continue to let me live? The questions went on and on (racing thoughts) that took me to places I did not need or want to go and keep me longer than I wanted or needed to stay. Now that all parts of me were LOST and the internal darkness has drowned out all HOPE, I was basically dead. The outside was still alive because of the person I had created from and for the world was still moving, and going, and working, and taking care of kids, and drinking and smoking and being promiscuous and so that led to...

When the inside was dead and all I could see was darkness, no matter which way I tried to look at life or find any light – it was gone. My total being had been infiltrated. Everything that everyone ever said to me that was negative, all the hurt I had encountered from relationships, friendships, family - from the verbal, physical, and emotional abuse I had kept inside- came and took a seat beside me. On top of that, I was doubting myself as a mother and financially I was barely holding on – barely holding on to nothing and everything was taking a toll on me. Now that I was at my end and there was no getting out of this, the person that has taken a seat beside me that looked just like me offered me a way out. It sounded really good and besides, it looked just like I felt so it must have known just what I needed. I did not even get myself, so that led to...

I decided to take my life and took over twenty-five pills to take the easy way out. No more hurt, no more pain, no more doubt, no more brokenness, and no more darkness. This decision looked like light because it was so damned dark! WOW, you say!! Yes, that was the dark part of my life.

Fast forward. On the other side of “just when I thought it was over” I remember face-timing with my mom as she was helping me prepare for a test to get a job that appeared to be the answer to my prayers while fighting back tears. There was a familiar knock at the door of my mind, and it was that eerie feeling of an old friend that was no longer welcome- It was the darkness and those negative thoughts trying to come back over me. Unlike before, I knew what I had to do and told my mom I would call her back. I disconnected from the phone and connected with God in prayer. I got on my knees, with tears in my eyes and fear in my heart. I prayed to him with my whole heart open and ready for a life-change – a transformation. I do not want to be in the world anymore! I want you, Daddy!

As I was praying, the sun shined so bright that I opened my eyes, because I thought God was coming to get me and I was not ready yet. LOL. So, from that day on I have not looked back or felt the same. I now know that “just when I thought it was over” God stepped in and said this is just the beginning, and that led to...

In September of 2020, my life changed for the better and I am a woman who has been REDEDICATED to God, SAVED, and DELIVERED from the power of darkness and death and this remains to lead to... I am a DARKNESS SURVIVOR!!! Now, every morning I not only wake up to the light, but I’m living in the light. Those twenty-five pills are a reminder of the more than twenty-five reasons God has kept me alive - He is using me to be a VOICE for those who are battling the darkness. Genesis 50:20 (NKJV) says, “But as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.” I HAVE ONLY JUST BEGUN!! It was not easy and sometimes scary - but if I can do it, you can too! Be encouraged by my journey and embrace your new beginning. I embrace, appreciate and participate in regular therapy sessions that help me to evolve on my new journey where every day - joy comes in the morning! Don't walk in my shoes - sit in my chair - allow my journey to transform you!

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Author, Blogger, Suicide SURVIVOR!!

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